The 6 Football fans you are bound to meet. Part 2

The ‘Bruce Banner’ fan.

This fan is always calm, collected and chatty before the game starts, but as soon as that whistle blows his transformation can only be compared to Bruce Banner’s transformation into the Incredible Hulk. You and your friends are sat cowering at the side of the room as he bellows and shouts at every decision given. You wonder if he is even supporting a team, as every decision seems to just rile him up more. “Did you see that, blatant penalty?!?!” he hisses towards your general direction.  You all nod, not wanting to make things worse. You’re not sure how but even his own team scoring a goal has his up in arms. “He should have scored 10 minutes ago!!” he screams throwing the TV remote to the ground. The half time whistle goes and he’s still shouting, mumbling something as he stomps off to the bathroom. He returns for the second half still angry that Diego Costa’s should have scored more goals despite converting 2 out of the 3 chances he had. This is the type of fan that genuinely makes you rethink inviting your mates round to watch the football.  Even though his side are easily dominating the game, he still seems to get agitated at the smallest things. “Bloody John Terry!” he shouts, as Terry plays a back pass to his keeper. “He should have played the ball forwards!” he bellows. The final whistle blows, and with that the Hulk returns back to the calm, collected mate you had before the game started. He looks at you all, confused as to why you are all huddled up on one side of the sofa, “pub?” he asks.

The ‘stats man’

He’s the Martin Tyler of your friendship group. He can tell you anything about football, whether you want to hear it or not. You’re not sure if you are impressed or scared by his vast knowledge of the game. “Did you know Maidenhead United’s stadium is the oldest continuously used stadium in England” he exclaims. You shake your head wondering first of all how he even knows that, and second of all, who are Maidenhead united? His stats know no bounds, from the Premier league to the conference, from Serie A to the Pro league.  Match day is just another day for him to show off his unnatural talent to spurt out footballing knowledge. “Today’s fixtures are the exact reverse of the fixtures from 3 months ago” he chortles. That one you actually knew, but you feel saying so will only put you a step closer to becoming like him so you decide to keep quiet. As the match goes on you get in depth player analysis on everyone on and off the pitch, and it makes you think that maybe he will run out of things to say. Spoiler; he never does. The 90 minutes are up and you now know everything, from how many goals Wayne Routledge has scored to James Milners great grandmother’s maiden name. You won’t remember any of this however, because quite frankly you weren’t listening in the first place.

The “football manager/FIFA” fan.

This is the fan you rarely ever see, because he is too busy in his room playing either one of these games, sometimes even both simultaneously. He only ever comes over for match day, and when he does every sentence he utters involves the words FIFA or football manager.  He’s the man that always knew that Eden Hazard was going to be a star because he was a wonderkid on football manager 2010. He doesn’t stop there however, bemoaning the fact that Gael Clichy has just done a Ronaldo chop, when he is quite clearly only 3 star skills on FIFA. His comparisons just ramp up during the game, with phrases such as; “How has Gareth Barry scored that, he only has 13 long shots”. All the numbers going through your mind, reminds you why you stopped doing maths at GCSE. The only glitch with this type of fan is they can become confused with real life and the gaming world. “I thought Rooney moved to Ajax” he asks, as everyone around him looks just as confused. When it’s all said and done, and the final whistle blows, he boots up his laptop and gets back to doing what he does best.

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